Arranged Marriage vs. Love Marriage: Which Will Lead to Long Lasting Matrimony?
June 16, 2006 2:34 pm General InterestIn the 1940’s, my grandmother was married off at the age of 13 to a man twice her age. In the span of a few short years, she gave birth to her first daughter and was pregnant with a boy. She remained with my grandfather until he passed away in the mid-1980’s. To this day, my grandmother has not remarried. My question is what is better: arranged marriages or love marriages?
Although a pragmatic marriage, otherwise known as an arranged marriage, does not give much control over the selection of one’s future spouse, both parties do, in fact, consent to the union. In some cultures, families choose one another based on a mutual interest in property, land or the aim of securing social status. In this way, the arranged marriage can be considered a business merger or even an alliance between two families.
Relying on family to select a potential spouse can be considered an advantage as they have years of wisdom and experience. The family wants to provide their children with protection, security and happiness. However, does this system guarantee their children a happily-ever-after? It is a fact that women remain in abusive relationships to maintain their family pride and respect. On the other hand, my mother and father married under this tradition and have been happily married for 26 years.
Love marriages are ideally based on friendship, respect, familiarity and understanding, unlike arranged marriages in which you marry a stranger with whom you have no history or bond with. In the beginning of every dynamic relationship, there is the “getting-to-know-you” phase where people feel out their boundaries and discover the other’s pet peeves, quirks, and overall personality. Although love alone does not keep the ship afloat, it gives way to wanting to learn more about the significant other and wanting to invest in a relationship during the inevitable trials and tribulations. However, the time and privacy that is necessary for two people to learn more about one another is not afforded in certain cultures. Conservative countries frown upon males and females courting, unless they are officially engaged.
In my opinion, a successful unity between two people requires willingness, compromise, love and dedication. These aspects can be found in either type of marriage. Although my parents’ marriage was arranged, they would never dream of arranging mine. My parents began as friends, and then they developed a deep love for one another. However, they actually fell in love only ten years ago.
I recall asking my mother if that was her intention for me. She responded, “Who is going to marry him, you or me?”
July 4th, 2008 at 2:32 am
Those inconsistent people who don’t know to love and find even their ‘life partner’ of their own will always try to justify that arranged marriage is best..
July 19th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Good one…very sensible. But how many mothers give such answers?
August 20th, 2008 at 8:14 am
great stuff… although my self i am going for a love turned arranged marriage … i still do not completely justify the fact of having just love marriages .. resosn being simple .. love happens at different situations, ages, sight, knowledge … i loved my teacher when i was a kid .. i do not mean if she would have agreed i should have married her … i think marriage is a sensitive topic which needs a lot of insight than just guts .. i would recommend love turned arrange marriages which would help families to unite and the partners to know each other … in situations where some one has to leave their families is really not good, specially like in our country India … families and societies matter a lot …
October 26th, 2008 at 3:30 am
I think love turned arrange marriages would be the best way to marry……….
December 10th, 2008 at 8:22 am
I agree to some extent that in love marriages, you ‘get to know’ a person before you get married to him/her. But is that all what you need to get married to a person?? does that alone justify for a liason between two people? forget about caste and culture, other vital and mature issues of financial security and family background of the person are often neglected in that case, and that can be really disastrous to a relationship.
January 30th, 2009 at 5:35 am
this is for vijay first. what you had felt for your teacher was infatuation and not love at all.and love doesn’t happen anywhere anyplace.that feelings is named as crush.in a layman’s language ‘you find that lady/girl good to be f**ked.’nothing else.pardon my language.but my opinion is love grows.day by day.and that comes after having a good friendship and understanding with a person.actually though it may hurt somebody but still can’t help to speak out that arranged marriage is similar to dog breeding.that i have one with this and this pedigree, finding a matching one.and that 2 hours of interview consists of education,earning, father’s education, and wheather they have own place or tenant etc etc.which is not at all sufficient to take a decision to marry someone.it’s better to wait until you find yourself a suitable life partner.it’s not good to depend on your parents for finding the one with whom you can sleep.come on man…grow up.and take it easy.:)
May 18th, 2009 at 3:21 am
A nice article.. I believe that love marriages are far far more better than arranged marriage as you get to know the person before hand and better as compared to arranged marriage.Arranged marriage alone is like a ‘jua’..you cant predict how the person is going to be simply after meeting him 1nce or 2wice.Its like hitting your own feet with an axe knowingly..Even I hold similar views to that of rajdeep that one should only marry when one finds a suitable match.
Well as some1 pointed out that not all love marriages are successful,yes they arent and neither are all arranged marriages.I believe the level of uncertainity is more in case of arranged marriage as the person you are going to marry is completely a stranger.
June 12th, 2009 at 1:24 am
tat is greatbut u hav 2 know that our parents know wat is the best 4 us. they won let us 2 get married with some1 that is not suitable 4 us
July 8th, 2009 at 5:26 am
I had fallen in love with a girl 10 years back and she is my first and only girlfriend since last 7 years. ya it took 3 years to convince her. She is from different cast. even our mother tough is different. Initially we wanted to get married with each other but now our relation is not like that used to be 3-4 years back. now I don’t find her as my life partner and I am quite sure she also don’t want to get married with me, I am thinking that if we would have got married 3-4 years back then now we would have been thinking for divorce. in love marriage our expectations from our partner is much more then arrange marriage. I am happy that I have learnt the lesson before i got married. so finally I have decided to go for arrange marriage.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:25 am
hi frenz…
the success of a mrg depends on both the persons only.
if they are badly determined to be togethet n to stay together… they can face any family or financial issue together.
Its good of ur family if they accept ur choice bt if they dnt… get married and keep trying to please them.
They may or may not feel ur importance, bt ur & ur partner bond will surely b stronger.
August 2nd, 2009 at 6:44 am
i think engagement is the best solution of both cases……….
1st u make engagement
August 7th, 2009 at 8:26 am
i hope that love marriages r strong than the arranged
August 10th, 2009 at 2:47 am
hi…
im in a deep trouble. Pls help me out.I have to take a desicion today,between my boyfrnd and my parents.
I love my guy a lot, but my parents are’nt agreeing, and have brought me some matches. The matches they have brought are very gud.as parents they r doing their best. But i am unable to leave him. We know each other since past 4 yrs and r in deep love.
Pls lemme know your opinions.
August 10th, 2009 at 4:42 am
For Deepa,
I loved a girl for 8-9 years madly. Initially she was also in love with me but now she has changed when she got job. people do change. Are you sure the person you loved 4 years back is same as now? Is he also love you same as you do ? Is yes then go for him. but if you have any doubt as I think you have ( because you also liked the proposal that your father told about, if you love deeply your guy you’ll never like other proposal ).. so first make sure yourself what you want ??
August 26th, 2009 at 6:30 am
i think navin is saying very right…
things change…. people change… behavior change and even feelings get changed as well.
If u can even rytnow feel that wat parents r searching… are gud options… u will surely manage with the guy… ur parents get for u n as i said ur feelings will change with time…. u will start loving that guy the same way u love ur so called boyfrend…
decision is finally urs…
August 26th, 2009 at 6:33 am
and 1 more thing deepa… wat ur so called bf suggest u to do……
August 26th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
my guy stays abroad, and he wants me to come out of the house…he asking me to get all the documents so that i can get the visa.. and says he ll take me along and i can pursue my studies there…and after reaching will convince my parents over phone….. but somehow..im not ready for it… i’ve always been against this thing of “running away”
but he says thats the oonly option as he has tried convincing my parents over phone many times.
and my parents showed me the pic of the guy , the match that they brought…. he looks awfully bad… i know looks is not the first priority…. but i do consider it as a factor. but my parents dont… they say, when everything else is fine…i should get adjusted with the looks part… i dunno wat answer to give them.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:07 am
hey deepa… if the guy.. that ur parents search for u.. is very handsome… n well settled as well…. u will adjust… is that so?
August 27th, 2009 at 4:34 am
Deepna don’t run away from your family. and your bf lives in another country so are you sure that when you will reach there he will not misuse you. If you just leave your house and go to him and then something bad happends then nobody will be there to take care of yours. so just wait for some time. ask your boyfriend and possible then his family also to have marriage first then go abroad..
August 27th, 2009 at 5:36 am
well… look…firstly my biggest fear is that…i will not be able forget my past… and adjust with whom so ever…and that is the reason i’ve been fighting with my parents for my guy..since over an year.. and very recently… i have agreed to my parents that i will listen to them..but definetly not whole heartedly…i still get thoughts of going away to my guy.. and unable to imagine life without him…
but i again come back to the point that it cannot happen.. and it is all over…
and that is when i feel that when anyhow i HAVE to adjust…why make it more difficult by choosing someone whom i just cannot stand.
my thinking is probably too insane or something….but frankly this is how i feel.
and yes for sure ill be the happiest on this earth if my parents approve of my bf and i can wait for any amount of time for that…but my parents wont..
August 27th, 2009 at 6:31 am
well….its not bout misuse n all that… i know for sure that he s a nice guy…. but even otherwise… i am not ready for it… i always want things to happen a proper way…
well… thanks for that.
August 31st, 2009 at 11:42 pm
hii deepa
wat about parents of ur guy….
do they kno… r they ready……
August 31st, 2009 at 11:43 pm
if parents of that guy r also nt ready… then better forget all this……………..
if fortunately they are ready…. then ask them to cm n meet ur parents… this may give some different feel to ur parents… n they may get ready somewhat…
good luck
August 31st, 2009 at 11:59 pm
hi anarnika…
the guy’s parents dont have a problem with me… but they are not as ready as coming and talking to my parents… what they have said is that… if my parents are ready ..then they also have no problem…. becoz they do not want conflicts in the future… which i feel is reasonable on their part… well lets see….
neways..thanks a lot for being dere.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:15 am
hey… if they are that understanding n straightforward, ur guy is well settled,….then wat problem ur parents have….. anything specific???
September 1st, 2009 at 1:09 am
well… the caste is the main problem….our mother tongues are different.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:36 pm
thats was the same case with me deepa. my x-gf and my mother tounge was different. anyway if you love him and if he also loves you the same as you do then go and get married, don’t think about other things but if you have any confusion about your love then think about it. In my case we lost attraction to each other becaoz my x-gf refused to learn my mother tounge and told me that after marriage she will not allow our childeren to learn my languge. so just think after your marriage and also your kinds and your social life…
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Deepa, don’t give up. your past haunts u. if u love this guy, chances are u might be able to compromise in ur life, but won’t be able to love that other guy. which is not fair to either of u. If ur guy loves u, then he should made equal effort to make this thing happen. If his parents are reasonable, then he and his parents should take initiative to make this work, even if that means he has to come back to country to convince ur parents. If u surrender now to the situation, u will regret it all through ur life. You might walk with the sign of “Happily married” but deep inside u will never be happy.
September 14th, 2009 at 4:34 am
hey priya…
u r absolutely right.
they shud marry… bt the guy n his family shud take initiative now…
he shud cm bak here… marry u n u go anywhr
bt never do the stupidity of going abroad w/o any legal engagement…
take care
September 14th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
what ive seen form my past experiemces is dat its easy fr a guy to ‘move-on’ in life if he cannot marry the person he loves ..but is extremly difficult fr the gurl to surrender herself to a new man…what i say is on the wedding day the groom n bride should b 100% happy ..no1 shud b sad on their weddin day..its the worst thing dat can happen to a person ..coz marriage day is the most important day in a person’s life…
one major drawback of an arranged marriage is that u never know if ur to-be spouse is 100% urz ur has sum1 els in their mind n heart…in a love marriage , u just dont hav to worry abt that ..u wil b confident that the person u r about to marry is ALL YOURZ !!!
September 17th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
if parents of either side are not ready….then going for court marriage is really a sin or smthing bad ???
October 7th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
I think it is important to have a love marriage because attraction to a person is due to that person having healthy genes. How attractive someone is realy depends on the haealth of the genes and since health of the genes is inherent it is important to marrie someone your attracted to to insure having healthy children. Your senses and brain serve as a genetik tester and your brain is just programed to feel excitment when oround someone with healthy genes. It is imposible to feel attraction for a realative as there genes are to similar and would not produce health offspring. It is important to date for a long time like for a number of years to insure you truly love that person as a pupy crush will oventualy faid however true love cannot faid with any amount of time or situation. Seeing if there is true love helps determine if the genes are healthy and if there are any genetik flows. If you have any doubts about rather or not you like a person don’t marry that person as it may be your unconsiouse mind alerting you that if you marry that person your children will not be as healthy. Also if know one who is attractive will take you give up and be single for the rest of your life rather than marrying somebody who is unatractive as having no children at all is better than children with unhealthy genes. In an arranged marriage were the husband in wife marry a stranger they may be more likely to have unhealthy children as they do not know how healthy the persons genes are.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:58 am
Love marriage is more preferred than arranged.
it is like a KNOWN DEVIL IS MORE PREFERRED THAN A UNKNOWN DEVIL
But, from my experience over 13 years in love and happily married, we must accept the reality that spouses change with time due to changes in situations and circumstances.
We play different roles in our life from daughter to wife to mother to grandmother…..SO DOES A MAN……
we have to understand that nothing is going to remain permanent besides CHANGE. so your man/woman is not only going to please you and your tantrums for life……ACCEPT IT AND MOVE ON….!
October 31st, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Hi,
I am mydhili please give reply to me as early as possible because my life depends on u r answer.
Coming to my problem i loved my friend from past 4 years he is still loving me very much.But in middle we got small communication gap.he got central govt job but he has small eye problem because of that he scare of that job up to permanent.In middle he neglected me bcz of his job tensions from one side my parents increased stress on me about my marriage in some critical situation i agreed my parents proposal my engagement over with some one but we have one year gap for marriage.He is also good.
After one week of engagement he got permanent letter of job he come back for me asking to marry him.he said apologies for his mistake.i know he is very good still i am also having love on him.But right now how can i marry him. i have only one option going away from my parents and marry him.But with out my parents i cant expect my life at the same time i cant adjust with some other person except him.Please give any good solution.Which one is better?
October 31st, 2009 at 3:55 pm
@Maidhli..
go for ur guy…engagement dosent mean the end of ur relation..dnt care fr ur engagement… no1 wil remember after sumtym..its not worth ur lifelong hapiness..
i broke my gf’s engagemnet twice n got engaged to her now ;)..i just couldn c her in pain..
best part?? well… her parents too are happy now !!!
all the best!!
November 1st, 2009 at 5:31 am
mydhili, you must do what u feel is right for you. You have a right to remain happy. please dont take any decision just to please some petty minded people.
if you feel u want to give another chance to your boyfd please ask him to approach your parents for your hand in marriage and it is up to him to convince them. After all we do owe our parents this much that we decently get married and not run away. your parents have to right to know your decision and u have a right to choose your life partner.
All the best!
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:47 am
hey mydhili…
i think u should ask ur guy to meet ur parents, if he wanna marry u.
u consult ur parents,,, c their opinion…
tell them everything clearly…
then let them think over it…
if they dnt agree for this guy… convince them… may b u urself get convinced by them as the guy, u r engaged with, is good as u saying.
dnt take any stupid step.
1st ask ur guy to meet ur family.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
I asked my parents they agree but his mother will not agree heart fully my parents worrying about that. With out her acceptance of his mother i will face many problems in future because she is angry on me.
November 19th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
hi ithink love marriage is better than arrage men are devil and it is the truth of life that we have to accept them so the known devil is better then unknown
November 23rd, 2009 at 3:35 am
In a ideal world parents would help their children grow up with independence and good education so that, their children can take good decisions. Then, they would leave marriage to their children. Of course, They will find out if the partner of their son or daughter is a good person and advice accordingly but they won’t end the relationship if the son or daughter goes ahead and marries the person whom they dont appreciate.
Why can’t parents continue to support and love children if they have married someone because of love? it is the time when children need them the most.
Well, my view is that we should marry only when we can’t live without the other person. Love is not selfish. If we love someone we can forgive their weaknesses and bad sides.
Love is only for mature and kind people. Love marriage is the best. And instead of playing powergames parents and loving relatives should always be kind to their children.
Young people are playing safe by saying that parents know better. Grow up.
I dont understand how girls and boys can have sex unless they have love and passion for the other person. Arranged marriage is just adjustment out of fear and insecurity.
The problem men face in arranged marriage is that their wives believe in practical decisions and not intimate and emotional decisions. SO when in life wives take practical decisions instead of decisions out of love husbands remain lonely.
life without real love and passion is just existance. Though my parents are still forcing me i will only marry when i am in true love and in true love even if my wife has many weaknesses i would still love her.
And meanwhile you keep rationalizing your arranged marriage.
November 28th, 2009 at 11:16 am
I believe love marriage could be prosperous if there would be a unity between 2 families! Parents should not leave alone their children.
December 27th, 2009 at 3:41 am
hi,
i want to do love marriage but our cast is different but we love each other we cant live without each other
plz suggest me my family members r not ready 4 that.
December 27th, 2009 at 3:57 am
i dont want to marry with any one . i want to marry with my b/f his family members are ready 4 this realtion but from my side nobody is ready my bro& father says he will help me but now a days we will check out his family background but now a days they not speak a word about it. i am crying every day. nobody can understand me. my b/f has a fully faith in god that we will definately meet but i am afraid of my destiny.
December 27th, 2009 at 4:00 am
my father & bro told me that they would check uot his family backgroung but they do not say anything about it now a days. they seems that i forgotten him but i cant do it.
January 9th, 2010 at 12:18 am
hi everone..
well we cant generalise anything, as every relashionship is unique, the way we love is unique…
falling in love seems a curse,if u can’t get ur loved one..
never try to measuring how much u love, if u do, u undermine it, love has no boundary..
we cant say when or how we fall in love, it just happens…..
ya we can forgive the weakness or bad sides of our loved one, we can do it a 1000 times without any regret…
but never ever cry for anyone…
bcz sometimes the one we cry for, is not worthy of our tears, and the special someone who is worthy will never let them fall…
January 9th, 2010 at 12:23 am
falling in love is like heven, but if ther’s a breakup, it hurts like hell…..
January 9th, 2010 at 12:59 am
I belive that the level of uncertainety are more in both,but in arranged marriage family member are there to help ,but in love marriage there is no one to help.
January 9th, 2010 at 1:05 am
I belive in love marriage is better than arranged, because in love marriage both have intrest, but in arranged we can’t say,both have intrest in ,because they may be forced by family member for marriage it is not good.
January 10th, 2010 at 12:07 am
Hi All,
Really good site with lot of healthy and possitve guidence..
I always strongly believe in love marriage tooo..
Dont know how to start.. my problem is not differ from above.. I got married in feb 2008 to girl whom i never meet we just had few conversation on phone..Just to please family respect i accpeted the proposal even though i had opposed not to marry to girl bcs our wave length never matched..
I belongs to well educated family and am working with MNC, lot of things are killing me that my family never bother to ask me whether i want to see that girl before marriage or not and just bcs of hesitation i kept quite.. A girl look and nature, attitude communication are horrible she belongs to Bihar very remote place..
Apology am not against any cast.. but my problem here now i dont want to continue my life with her.I have express my feelings to infront of famly for divorce but no one is ready. they are not ready to understand my feelings/ issue.. the problem here i cant face that girl itself from the first day itself.
I would like to mentioned here yes I have been intereacted with girl who is my best and love friend, infact i love her alot.. but just to built clarity my ignorance is not for my wife just bcs of the girl.
Avadh, naveen, deepa,anamika and all others - I urge please guide me.. its 2 year i am suffering alot, i cant stay at home.. i m very simple guy most of time i spent in office even in sundays just to keep myself aways from people.
I would appreciate your guidence..
January 10th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
well keku…
my impression is that from beginning itself, u were not comfortable wth the match, u have ur own reasons - nobody bothereed to ask ur opinion, wheter u like her or not- but it did happen right???u married her out of force…
okay u say tht she is not well in many aspects, her speech nature attidude and looks,…
ohk…but she is UR wife now, instead of being away from her, instead of avoiding her, be wth her, spend loads of time wth her, i’m sure she is not bad by nature as ur family choose HER for u….its just the effect of her surroundings, her upbringing and all that…..
may be she is not exposed to social gatherings b4 marriage…
teach her, mould her….try sincerely…
nothing is impossible, there are institues everywhere…to teach everything…
everything can be learned….first give her the feel tht u are there for her….
u want her to learn to become better…
its not insulting to teach things to the one closest to u…..
first accept her as ur wife…
after that i’m sure everything will be fine…
u are wth her for the last two years…
its a miracle that u did not fall in love wth her…:)
divorce is not a solution…
its not liked by God also….
may god bless U both…
January 13th, 2010 at 9:11 am
@keku..
hi frnd.. i understand u r goin thru a rough patch of life at ur personal front…there r a few things which u hav to consider befor taking any decission..apparantly u had an arranged marriage like how ur parents or mine had or like millions of other couples had..all arranged marriages are done without asking the boy or gurl coz there is nothin much to b asked abt at that time..ther is no readymade love here..it develops gradually..some couples take less time and some take 2 yrs or even more..u just need to b more patient..
u hav to keep in mind that the gurl u married had same expectations from marriage as u had..she has left her family frnds relatives every body and has come to u..and now u want to give her a divorce??? u say dat ur wife is frm a small bihari village wid no gud looks etc.. but my frnd, dint u kno this b4 marriage?? iam sure u wer not a kid at the time of marriage dat they imposed this mariage on u..u shud hav refused at that time itself..and now that u married her n she is ur wife , its ur responsiblity to take care of her til ur last breadth…u said u strongly believed in love marriage but if u see the census and surveys , out of all the failed marriages its mostly the love marriages dat hav failed rather than arranged ones..
if u think divorce is the solution then u r mistaken my frnd.. i am a relegious guy and v hav in our Holy book that the only person who wil b hapy when a couple gets divorced is the Satan(the evil) and the God gets deeply hurted.The Book also says that if ther is evn a slight fight between a couple , the Satan tries to fuel the anger and tries its best that the couple has no love left for each other..coz a divorce destroys a family structure completely and gives rise to various social evils..
well.. leav aside the relegious part , evn thru practical point of view divorce is not an easy thing..it is follwoed by a very long period of depression, anxiety,stress,mood swings,irretation,isolation and many other unhealthy mental states..
iam sure ur wife must b a sweet gurl but she may need a little training and direction so that she can match ur ‘frequency’..nobody is perfect in this world..be a good human being yaar..she is ur wife! she is sacred to u..i mean ..commonnn maan… in these 2 years iam sure u must hav had physical relation wid her and u want to divorce her ??do u kno wat that means?? u r pushing ur own sweet wife on sumone els’s bed ..iam sory to tel like this but this is the fact…she has to marry sum1 else and so wil u..and iam damn sure dat the gurl u think u love or watever is NOT goin to marry u once u r divorced…things get complicated once u start deviating frm ur path..u should not hav let ur frndship wid this gurl u claim to love to come to this stage…mor over the movies today also play a major role in shaping a youth’s mind..beiev me ..its true..sumwher in our sub-consious mind v tend to do things as they show in movies..latest examples r movies like Love Aj Kal and Kabi Alvida Na Kehna…they giv an idea to pple like u dat if things get a littl wrong wid ur spouces , then rush to a divorce lawyer! or worse - hav an extera-maretial affair(reeely disgusting!).they make us believ dat it is justified to hav a an affair or get a divorce..
i think in only 1 situation a divorce is justified n dat is– if ur spouce has slept wid sum1 else..
the rest everyy thing is reversilbe and can b managed if taken sincere efforts..
so frnd..u get a grip n stop thinkin abt ur wife as unfit fr u..approach a marriage councellor or discuss with the elders of ur family..or a best solution is -go on a honeymoon n spend some quality time alone wid her..consider havin a baby soon,this wil act as a catalyst between u two!iam damn sure ul start to love her again.. u shud do al this fr ur own wife..ther is no embarassment in doin so..if ur efforts fail once then try fr one mor time n keep tryin over n over coz its mucch better than to hav a miserable live by stayin away frm her or gettin divorced..the next tym u feel negative abt ur wife, just think that its not u but the evil part of ur mind which is tryin to ruin ur marriage..let it not succeed..
i think this post has becum reely long..honestly is not just fr keku, its fr al the pple who wnt to take divorce or dont treat their wives well thinkin of ny lame reason…remember ‘marriages r made in heaven but divorces r definetly done on earth’!
January 20th, 2010 at 10:00 am
In modern arranged marriages people choose their life partners with consent of their parents. Its best because you get to do both(choose and parents consent) . In pure love marriages parents consent is kept out which causes rifts in future. The girl is not accepted by the family and the relationship goes sour.
When we think of arranged marriage we think of the old system. Its not true.everything has changed now, girls and boys meet and decide on their own in the new modern arranged system. So what the heck. Parents happy+ kids happy then evrything good.
January 26th, 2010 at 8:14 am
Hi all
Iam into big problem these days. iam in love with a boy from last 3 years. but i have never mentioned it before my parents perhaps the small 2 things but never told them that we are serious and want to get married. now wat happened that my parents started searching boys for me and yesterday i told them the whole story. lots of drama has been happened my mother got fainted and my father my brothe all of them opposed of me and not talking to me properly. The main problem is that the caste is not same and he is 1 year younger then me. his parents already matched our kundlis and all bt they dnt want to meet with him or his parents. they just told me that i can interact myself with boys family and finalised the date of marriage and they will do aor marraiage but i dont want to do like this . i know they a not happy from inside also they ar taunting me in many ways that the will die after this. i dont want to let them suffer for this marraige, but wat i felt that the social norma are more important then a daughter,s happiness. pls suggest me wat i will doiam crying all the time…
January 27th, 2010 at 4:16 am
dont think about the suicied. if the boy loves u & want to marry with u then U run with him & get Married….
January 27th, 2010 at 8:38 am
but i dont want to get married without parents wish they are not happy.
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:43 am
Hey ST, you must know that no matter what your parent do it alway in their hope of you finding happiness. I too been with a guy for 4 year now and my dad oppose it. Never run away and get marry without your parent blessing because you must know that if anything ever were to happen your families are alway there for you, but bf/ even husband is never a gauranteed. Love can definitely change over time, maybe more maybe less and that an answer we will never know until we try. My point is if you get blessing from your family you will be even more happy because if you don’t then your whole life will be living in guilt, and if one day your bf/husband were to leave you, you will still have the support of your family and not be left with the saying ” I TOLD YOU SO”!
February 8th, 2010 at 3:40 am
U all know wat………..
we all fall in love without permission of parents……..
but when it comes to marry that person… we start worrying about family n parents n society…….
its all rubbish
dnt u kno initially that nobody will like it… u will have to suffer,,,, u will have to face all this… then why later on come to this stage of leaving this relation or getting married to family choice or thinking of suicide ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
be stuck to ur relation,, if u really mean it n respect it
..
dnt even think to elope or run away
..
just dare to convince ur family
.. have patience..
u cnt b forced to marry .. just have patience n courage
ur family will get u married to ur choice some day for sure .
February 13th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
i believe arrange marriage is meant for people with no experiance , bc whatever you will get you would be ok, the best you ever had so you will appricate the woman more i think. women like candy if you have one you will apprciate it and enjoy it.
February 13th, 2010 at 11:26 pm
Its destiny finally, what happens to all of us. Let destiny decide . Many people want this and that but something else happens. So I dont want to comment.
February 15th, 2010 at 11:16 am
Hi! new on dis thread so xcuse my intrusion…. @thread- wel sed mr avadh…..cudn agree lesser wid ur views on d divorce subject.
p.s- congratulations on ur engagement….do invite us little folks fr d weddin
February 19th, 2010 at 1:51 am
i thnik love turned arrange marrage would be the best way to marry.Because in love marrage u know ur partner before tying the nuptical knot but in arrange marrage how could u marry someone who u barely know.So Love or Arrange every marrage has their uniqe and specific prons and cons. So dedication,Understanding and Magical word compromise these are key facters in healthy relationship.
February 27th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
Friends iam in love with a girl & girl also loves me for three months but my parents are not accepting that girl. Girls family has no problem but my family is not ready to accept that girl so girl wants me to get marry or run away with her becoz her parents are not ready to wait for me. but i cant do that iam the only son of my parents .So please suggest me what should i do
February 27th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
This is my opinion, I would have not marry that girl without the consent of my parents.
People who run away dont solve any purpose, they land in trouble. You will marry but what will happen afterwards, think 5-6 yrs after. A parents support is very important. You will never be able to repair your relationship.
Try to convince your parents but if they dont listen its wise to break up with the girl.In my opinion you dont have future with this girl.
March 5th, 2010 at 11:37 pm
Today is March 5, 2010.
Tonight I watched a silly video of some guy singing “Love Marriage”. It was funny…to me…but it also made me wonder: What is “love marriage” and why would someone go to all the trouble of making a video about something called “Love Marriage”? So, I Googled “Love Marriage” and came across this website.
Wow…I have learned a lot!
I work in white-collar, corporate, IT in America. I work with many people from India. Recently, one Indian man that works for me took leave to get married. An Arranged Marriage. When he returned, I gave him the normal “congratulations”, but never spoke about how “weird” his “arranged marriage” seemed to a westerner.
Another Indian fellow that works for me recently got married, as well. A “love marriage”, I guess it is called (I knwo that it was not “arranged”).
After reading this website (and the replies to it, and many other websites on the same topic), I am very curious to learn more about this topic!
I can, and will, continue to Google-search and read, to educate myself further. However…often, the best “research” is first-hand accounts.
My question is: Would it be considered improper of me to approach, and/or ask, either of my Indian co-workers about their feelings regarding Arranged vs. Love marriages? As I said above, I am very interested to learn more, but I do not want to harm my relationship with either person.
By the way…I, myself, am getting married (”love marriage”) in April 2010.
March 6th, 2010 at 5:24 am
to u “white american” congratulations…..its not a formality, i really feel happy, i lost my loved one, and i can know the joy of being wth someone whom we love and the sorrow of losing them, well just one thing, if u really love her, never ever hurt her….
u dnt know how lucky u are tht u are getting ur love….
March 13th, 2010 at 6:01 am
Awesome Forum !
Youth rocks……
this is for Eeshal
Never ever feel for any one who is not worth ur love.
April 11th, 2010 at 9:52 am
well…its a nice forum to discuss…bt guys is it easy to cope up love marriage without support of parents(in case of intercaste marriage..)??
April 13th, 2010 at 5:40 am
this is great site.lots of sincere advice and thoughts offered by people.even i am in love with my gf and we both want to get married.Right now we are not in that stage of telling these things to parents.but we need to do this after a year or so.Hope all the wisdom which i got here will help.
May 8th, 2010 at 2:48 am
Let me be to the point,
arranged marriage has its own advantages that it usually lasts longer(statistically),i think the horoscopes and astrology do play a part
but,it is important to know the other person properly and go for a date to understand them
So,the perfect solution is an arranged marriage where parents choose a partner for their son/daughter who are allowed to date for a month or so and get engaged
Give them enough time to talk,explain their positions and understand each other.
I think it has a perfect balance,
it is more like Abhi -Ash wedding
an arranged love marriage
What do you say about that?
May 10th, 2010 at 2:01 am
love turned arranged mrge is the bestt one becoz am on that way since frm 2 yesrs in convincing our parnets at last after lots of struggle our mrge is gng to b arranged by our parents ,at the intial stage it vl a horrible to face all the problems but finally it vl b dam gud v vl enjyyy the fruit of success so i suggest the luv turned arranged mrge to all the ppl
May 14th, 2010 at 7:00 am
hi i am kala..i love a guy..for the past 8 months..he also loves me truly..and one day he said he doesn’t need me so i committed suicide..but unfortunately my dad saw and rescued me..and the next day he called me and said sory and y did like tat i said i need u that’s y i did so he scolded me..he ten said i need u..i can’t be wit out u..if u din’t come into my life i will surely die..and ten i asked y u said so..he said although u r nt 4 me and meant 4 some lucky person…but i am not tat lucky person..ten i also scolded him…u don kw wat love s…u don have d guts 2 face it ten how ll u love a girl and have her as ur life partner…after tat he said..i am sure tat i ll marry only kala..and u r my only life partner..i need u…now my question is should i believe him or not
May 14th, 2010 at 7:01 am
and my parents r against love and not like their parents..what should i do now
May 15th, 2010 at 4:56 am
LOL
May 15th, 2010 at 9:31 am
help me my father wants to killl me and my guy…. because i refused the arranged marriage…. i ran away to my guy… bit im scared he will find us…. what shoould i do?
May 24th, 2010 at 3:57 am
its very strange deepa…
in today scenario no father behave like this
may b there is some prob with ur lover.. is he a nice guy… an earning one??
if so… he shud nt do like this..
else u r doing stupidity dear
May 28th, 2010 at 3:27 pm
A very interesting discussion indeed!
Personally I prefer an arranged marriage - because nowadays, (as KJ has already mentioned above), its not a blindfolded walk. The ‘arranged’ marriages (at least in the cities) are more of a ‘negotiated’ marriage, where you get to have a say. You get to see your prospective partner and you are even allowed to interact with him/her. So that way the best decision can be made - where both me and my family (and hopefully that of my spouse’s too) are happy.
I observed that many people have voiced their opinion in favour of love marriage simply because you get to “know” your partner beforehand. I beg to differ on this issue. This ‘knowing’ is a very tricky thing. I’m not talking about Europe and America - where the people in question probably do get to ‘know’ their partners ‘well enough’ before tying the knot, due to the ‘openness’ of the society. However in a more conservative society like India, you really can’t ‘know’ your partner beforehand - at least not well enough. Even marrying after a long standing affair, you’l probably discover ‘new’ things in your partner after marriage, that you were supposed to ‘know’ because you’ve gone for a ‘love marriage’. This can potentially surprise/disappoint/annoy/displease you and hence can endanger the marriage. In fact, you can’t know your partner well enough if you don’t do a stay together with him/her at least for a period. Try doing that in India!!!
The closed nature of Indian society is yet another reason for my support for it. In Western world, when you like someone (read when a boy likes a girl), its quite easy to approach the person - the social norms provide very little hindrance to such an act. But in India, except probably for the top 1% of the society, such an act will not be well solicited - and will probably be mated out with skepticism or a complete disapproval (this I can confirm from first, second and third hand accounts!). So you are restricted to the people that get to interact with - to choose your partner from. This is itself limits the scope of your choice of partner - and in turn affects the quality of marriage you’re going to get.
Finally, although its a very personal opinion of mine, I do believe that this very idea of ‘love’ is preposterous. (I know after reading this much, already many of you are wondering if I’m a complete a**hole - but believe me, I have experience and case studies to support this view). Typically, the cupid strikes one at a very tender age - and 99% of time its nothing more than an infatuation. I believe that to ‘love’ someone(in this way - which leads to marriage) is a natural human inclination - and in all our hearts, we have a ‘chair’ reserved for that ‘beloved’ person - waiting to be filled (and the person who fills it hardly matters - we choose him on the basis of some arbitrary criteria). And we do fill up this chair at the earliest opportunity - often leading to disastrous results, since we hardly fully comprehend the effect of our so-called love. I have seen many people who end up happily married with Y after being head over heels in love with X. Why does that happen - simply because its only a question of filling up that ‘vacant chair’ - so as long as that ‘post’ is filled up by someone reasonably agreeable enough - it ceases to matter if you ‘know’ and ‘love’ that person beforehand or not. So arranged marriage is an excellent way of filling up that ‘chair’ - since the person you’ll chose not-only satisfies you emotionally, but also practically (for example, a girl is more likely to get married with a financially well settled guy in this way, than marrying a good looking loafer). A long term happy marriage can only result, if there is complete materialistic compatibility between the boy and the girl - something a ‘love affair’ seldom allows, since ‘love is blind’. Had it not been the case, more love marriages would have been successful than the arranged ones, although statistics just points the other way round.
I, for one would like to fill up that vacant chair of my heart with some caution. And I do believe that the advise of my parents here can come in handy - as they are much more experienced and mature than I am and can indeed help me to make a better decision.
Having said all the above, let me state that I’m not a blind supporter of arranged marriages either. I firmly believe that the opinion of the guy and the girl about each other should be taken into account while making the final decision. Also I have seen overzealous parents, who reject a really good guy/girl simply and only because they have not ‘chosen’ him/her for their child. I think, the parents too should be ‘logical’ when deciding such a vital question as this, and if the person their child loves is materialistically ‘eligible’ enough, they should consent to the marriage - and should turn the ‘love’ marriage into an ‘arranged’ one. But alas, more often than not, our parents succeed better in seeing the problem with our ‘chosen one’ - which we completely fail to, and thus often end up making better decisions than us (which obviously is to break up with the One).
Having been blessed with liberal parents, who will take my opinion into account while making the choice, while at the same time will guide me with their pragmatism and experience, and considering the flexibility of interaction of the ‘arranged’ marriages these days, where I do get to interact with my prospective spouse in advance - its definitely arranged marriage for me.
June 16th, 2010 at 8:01 am
Arranged marriage is worst than prostitution, I think we live in a society which is far from liberal. The mindset of people in India is stale women are too shy and men too ugly.
This reason needs to be accepted that women and men in India are jobless and protective to a very old age. They lack the understanding of what love means, as they spend rest of their life in vain. So people who think arranged marriage is better are people who are losers in life. It is better to marry someone whom you love than marring some your parents have arrange, later get into a extramarital affair.
June 23rd, 2010 at 4:21 am
The rate of divorcees in love marriages are higher than arranged ones. yes love marriages are succesful if both the parties are mature enough to understand the real world but for some young ones love is just an exictement which finishes after 1 week of their marriage and then they find themselve stuck in a realtionship which they would regret for the rest of their life.
June 27th, 2010 at 8:29 am
i am in love with padma and i like the love cum arraged marriages
July 7th, 2010 at 11:17 am
Ganesh,
I can understand you need for love cum arrange marriage. But what happens if you parents don’t like it but still succumb to your needs. Will you will call it love cum arrange marriage or ‘FORCED Arranged’ Love marriage.
I have equal respect abour both Love and Arrange marriages. Both have their -ve pts and +ve pts.
I would like a real opinions from people who have gone for love marriages and have strained relationship with their parents and people who have gone for ‘actual forced’ arrange marriages.
What I know if is when in love marriage, they say its just love and no compromises, I find it diffcult to gulp it. Especailly in Indian love marriages where the language/caste/food habits(veg vs non-veg) and kids upbringing and also strong feeling for relationship with their respective parents play a major role.
July 7th, 2010 at 11:42 am
Modernization:
As the world in modernizing, so in some part of India(espcially in urban places-’slowly’), things are changing too about the view of arrange marriages and love marriages.
Love marriages are get ‘ok’ed by many parents, well not so when its across religions or huge social gaps, but I do see some north-south combinations leaving with their parents blessing.
As for arrange marriages: Both girl/guy are asked about their personal living and then ask their consent before approving. The engagement happens and courtship starts till the marriage day. If it doesn’t work out I have see many break-offs from both girls/guys side. If you say dowry, which might still exist but have long gone. Ask anyone who is not from Andhra clan.
The extremes on both still exists but is diminishing.
****Remember your parents are from the generation where love marriage was a taboo and women used to stay in veil. For them this world is lot forward. You may think they have not changes, but compare their life with your grandparents you will the difference. You will be parents too one day and you will too have difference. You daughter can bring ina girl and say she wants to marry her or you son can bring in a guy and say he wants to marry him. As per them ‘They are right and you are wrong’ the same way you are saying now.
July 15th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
to: Arijit Chatterjee,
you said that in love marriage you might later be surprised, disappointed etc.. but doesnt the same go for the person your parents choses for u? how can they be so sure the person is right for u? just because she/he is nice in front of them etc? you really get to know person once u start living seperate with them, either it is love or arranged marriage. the only diffference here is, that yes, by statistics arrange marriage has less divorces but that doesnt mean they all live happy.. often those people are miserable but cant divorce because they dont want to cause harm and disappointment to the both families since they were so much involved in all that preparation.
July 23rd, 2010 at 11:30 pm
I WANT TO MARRY MY LOVER OF SAME AGE. BUT STILL IAM STUDING. MY PARENTS NOT ALLOWING TO MARRY HER. WE ARE WELL OCCUPIED FAMILY & FROM HIGHER CAST. BUT MY LOVER FROM JUST LOWER CAST. WHAT CAN I DO. I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HER, ASWELLAS SHE,,,,>
July 29th, 2010 at 7:47 am
When you are looking into Arranged marriage or Love marriage, don’t look just few days/months or any year after marriage. Marriage is done to last. So when you compare please look ahead few months or year, but 50 years+ down ahead.